At the start of each week I spend my afternoon massaging a traumatized refugee. When I volunteered back last fall I promised her, her family, and myself that I was committed to doing this, that I’m in it for the long haul.
Almost a year later, the haul feels long indeed.
I knew on all sorts of levels it wasn’t going to be easy. Progress was going to be slow and probably measured out in small increments. We would face language barriers. Culture barriers. Experience barriers. The trauma she’s gone through.
No worries. I figured, I’m a trained professional, I could deal with the patient work her therapy was going to entail. Sure I could. In reality, I was clueless. Ten months later, I’m still clueless. I don’t see any improvement other than the way she no longer cries through the entire session. Now she only cries for most of it or just a few minutes. But she always sobs with pain at some point while I’m working on her.
With the exception of Christmas, a week when I had the flu, and a day when she had other appointments all day long, we’ve never missed a Monday. So why isn’t she better?
I arrive at the refugee housing and some days there are lots of small children playing in front of the building, their asylum-seeking parents going about their chores. We all say hello. Then I climb the stairs to the apartment where M and her family live, take off my shoes outside, and knock on the door. I greet the daughter who translates for us and head for the bedroom where M is on her side in bed with her eyes closed, or propped up on pillows in bed with a smile, waiting for me. Either way, she’s never without pain, her body is still a treacherous surface of hidden nerve hotspots. The family insists I should keep returning each week, that the massages help her and she’s always happier on the morning she expects me. So what am I doing wrong? What do you do with expectations and hopes that seem to go nowhere? The long haul looks like a long road to no place I can predict or hope to reach.
I go back each week anyway. To do so I’ve needed to reconfigure everything, and I mean everything, I thought I understood about the goals of therapy and the protocols to measure success.
I threw them all out.
I can’t have goals because there’s never any visible improvement. I can’t aim for success as I understand the term, because success in this case has nothing to do with measurable, quantifiable progress. Give your level of pain a number from 1 to 10, I told her. Is it worse here? Better when I press here? If I can’t end her pain, maybe I can help her to see it as lessened.
M can finally breathe into the painful places. One day she spoke in a loud voice and I asked her daughter to translate for me. M had growled something along the lines of, “I don’t want to give you a stupid number! Just give me the massage!” It was the first spark of will I’d seen or heard from her. The fact that this traumatized, raped refugee felt secure enough to snap at me was a good thing. This is how I now measure ‘success’, this is what I can call ‘progress’.
The journey she and I are on together inches its way forward.
NOTES: Go to my earlier posts Helping Refugees-Part 1, 2, 3, 4 to read more about my attempts to come to grips with the refugee crisis.
8 thoughts on “The Long Haul. Helping Refugees: Part 5”
You are such a kind woman to take this on and help this poor refugee. I hope M will be able to live a full and happy life one day. I’m so lucky to have you as a friend.
It’s changed the way I think about massage.
The progress may be all internal at this point. It’s hard to keep your motivation without signs of progress but this sure sounds like a very special case.
This is not so much a reply to Kate as it is an experiment to find a way to post a comment. Each time I do it I get an automatic downloaded message that the server is down, which it isn’t. Very weird. This is my comment:
What an amazing thing you are doing Jadi. I admire your strength and your patience. It seems there is progress even if it is measured in the tiniest of increments. M is very lucky to have met you.
Ha! It worked. It simply wouldn’t let me comment in the normal way. Weird.
How does one measure progress when the pain is in the soul? I have to dig deeper into myself than ever before.
Yes – and I had to examine what is motivating me.
What an honourable thing you are doing for someone so damaged. That she snapped at you is a small sign of growing strength, I think. And a little off the subject. I rescued a ‘damaged’ dog. It took more than two years to gain his trust. Time, patience and persistence usually prevail.